Here We Go

It's been a little over two months since Jimmy and I became husband and wife.

I'm a WIFE! It's finally starting to feel normal to say so. We're married and it feels great. But it didn't feel great on October 30th. Yes, my wedding day was not everything I had planned and imagined. In fact for the first week or so after the wedding I couldn't think about the day without breaking down into sobbing, can't breathe tears. Post wedding depression? Maybe. Mostly I was just sad that one of the most important days of my life turned out to be not so good.

I'm not saying the day wasn't wonderful in its own little ways. It started out amazing getting ready with my sisters, and then doing our first look and pre-ceremony pictures in the park on the gorgeous day mother nature provided for us in late October. The ceremony was beautiful (from what little I remember of it). I wanted to savor every moment, and so did Jimmy. In fact he was the one slowing me down on our walk back up the aisle after we were proclaimed husband and wife. The problem started there. I needed to get out of that sanctuary as fast as possible. I was going to be sick.

Jimmy took me to the bathroom where I proceeded to dry heave. I felt awful. I had a cold sweat, felt dizzy, and more nauseous than anything. I thought maybe it was just nerves and excitement. I mean we had just stood in front of 200 of our friends and family and got hitched. But it wasn't nerves. While at the church I got sick several more times, but as much as I tried to throw up whatever was bothering my stomach, nothing would come up.

Luckily I felt much better on the ride from the church to the reception, and managed to get through more pictures outside. I look through those post-ceremony pictures and while some are great, I can tell on my face that I just wasn't ok. I'm forcing smiles and struggling to stay standing. All I wanted to do was sit, and I did whenever I could.

As the reception began Jimmy and I went through the motions of the entrance and cake cutting. While these things were going on my body pushed through on pure adrenaline. As soon as I sat down for dinner the sick feeling came back in full force. Out came the soup, salad, intermezzo, and entrée. I touched none of it. I sat in front of everyone at our sweetheart table not eating. I think I forced down a few veggies, and somewhat enjoyed the sorbet that was served before our main course.

During dinner was when I started to get seriously sick. When the main course was served I had to run outside onto the patio. I threw up over the brick railing. In my wedding dress, at my reception. Jimmy was by my side all night long wherever I went for support. If I had to go outside and get sick, he was there. (Going outside was much easier than trying to get through our guests and upstairs to the ladies room.)

Our amazing DJ worked with us the whole night. If I didn't feel like I could get through the whole first dance, he'd cut it short if I gave him a signal. Luckily I didn't have to cut anything short. He checked on me all night long making sure I was ok.

I was able to get through the reception without many people knowing what was going on. I mingled with our guests, smiled, laughed, and even got out onto the dance floor for two songs. Yes, I only danced to two songs during the dancing portion of the reception. Of course throughout all of this I was running outside getting physically sick. In my head I was miserable, but on the outside I was sucking it up.

By 10:30-an hour before the reception was to end I had had enough. I broke down into tears in my older sister's arms because I was not having a good time at my own wedding. She told me to leave. She said there's no reason that I needed to punish myself by staying and feeling bad. The reception was a blast and all the guests were having the time of their lives. I cried more. I didn't want to leave my own wedding reception an hour early. I was angry that I coulnd't enjoy myself. I wanted to dance with my friends. I wanted to be out there with them, but instead I was sitting in the back of the room trying not to have to run outside again.

Jimmy and I left by 11. We got to the hotel and de-weddingified ourselves. The moment I took off my dress the weight I felt was lifted. I felt fine. No loner sick. We showered and put on PJ's. We talked about joining our guests that had made it back and were hanging out in the lobby. I went out there for a little while. Back in our room we went to bed. And I sobbed. I had missed our own wedding reception. I'd never have a chance for a do-over. That was that. I missed it. And I was devastated. Jimmy held me and we laid there in silence. The next morning we said our last goodbyes to our guests and it was over. The wedding was over.

The next few nights I cried myself to sleep. I didn't feel married because I felt like I wasn't able to celebrate our union. I felt guilty that I made Jimmy not enjoy his wedding day.

Jimmy was my rock. He comforted me. He assured me that the wedding was more than he hoped it would have been, and that he had a good time. We decided that since we both we're not fully able to celebrate at our reception, that our honeymoon would be our celebration. Just him and I for 9 days in Maui. And it was a celebration of the two of us. Fully and truly.

Over the weeks since the wedding I've come to terms with what our wedding was. Am I still a little sad? Yes. But I have a lot of good memories from that day, and Jimmy and I are married. That's really all that matters.

If you're still here with me, I apologize for the length of this post and lack of pictures. From here I feel like I can start my recaps. They probably won't be as detailed as other bloggers' posts have been, but I'll do as much as I feel comfortable with... especially with the reception portion of the recaps.

I've missed blogging so I hope to get back into the swing of things in the new year!